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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I have just turned 47. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.


Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.


Well there's more to it - one time I involved in forbidden relationship with a guy whose a father to my son's friend, the relationship was very intensely emotional, he got me hooked. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.


I was content at this high point in my life. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. Series of my drunken journey:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
  • I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
  • I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.